Here at The Gay Dad Project we welcome open and honest communication. If you have questions or comments about the site in general, our goals and mission, or any of the various projects that we are currently working on, we would love to hear from you.
Also, If you have thoughts on ways we can improve the site, or if you would like help us connect with a larger audience, we welcome your ideas, suggestions, and support.
We truly want The Gay Dad Project to be a community where all contributions are valued. Below are the various ways you can contact The Gay Dad Project.
Contact Amie directly –> amie (at) gaydadproject (dot) org
Contact Erin directly –> erin (at) gaydadproject (dot) org
General questions, comments, suggestions, or ideas about any aspect of the project –> info (at) gaydadproject (dot) org
You can also talk to us via Facebook and Twitter.
I have read with much interest and heart some of your stories. I’m in the process of deciding what is best for my family…and me. I am 49, married, have four wonderful children, and am attracted to men. I have been for 20 years. I’ve told my wife. She knows. It seems to be getting worse the longer I stay. I stay for my children. They are my world.
The question I have for you all is if you could have it all done over, would you still have your father tell you he was gay? Or would you rather have the status quo and let your world revolve around the family unit and not your father’s secret?
Hey Peter – I have lots to say on this topic as my parents stayed together ‘for the kids’ for many years. Would it be okay to turn your question into a blog post and answer it more thoroughly there?
-Amie
That would be great.
Hi all! I just wanted to let you know that I heard you all talking about the Gay Dad Project yesterday on NPR. The more I listened the more excited I got because the same thing happened to my family! My parents divorced when I was 7 but weren’t planning on telling my sister or I why until we were 18….. that didnt work out so well (as Im sure you can imagine). Im now 24 and looking back I remember feeling so completely alone! When this happened to me there werent any resources out there like this, and I remember not knowing how to handle it and not knowing a single other person who was going through what I was! It was so taboo none of us were allowed to even talk about it outside of the immediate family. I think this is a wonderful and worth-while project and I just wanted to let you know that you’re making a difference!
Hey Gillian!!!! So glad you heard us on the radio yesterday and thank you for your supportive comment. Kids, like you and me, are exactly the reason why I (personally) think The Gay Dad Project is so important. It can be such a lonely and isolating experience for everyone involved. I hope you and your sister do not still feel so alone and I hope having a gay dad is becoming less and less taboo. Take care and let me (us) know if we can help you in any (other) way.
To Pete Shea, I just want to say “Kudos” to you for raising a wonderful and intelligent daughter, who realizes that sexual preference doesn’t matter, but the person does!! I think it is sad what your local church has done to you, but remember it is their loss, not yours. Keep the faith, though. God is all loving and forgiving. I love my faith, but I think our church has a long way to go yet in accepting EVERYBODY for who and what they are. We too, have a gay son, Mark. I love all of our children, but Mark is VERY special. We love him so much and his husband too. Mark is and always has been a very caring person and I see that in you too. Just to let you know, we have been your friend and always will be. We also support you and what the kids are doing. Joan Pohlman
Hey Joan –
Thank you so much for your lovely comment and for your support.
- Amie
Joan, thanks for this message. I just saw it now. Don’t know why it took so long. I’m sorry it took me so long to find it and respond. If you are who I think you are, I remember you and your family well, including your son Mark. I am glad to hear that you are so completely accepting. I’m also glad to hear that you have some concerns about the direction our church needs to go. Our connection goes back so many years that it seems like another life, but it was a good time in my life. I have many good memories and would be happy to talk more.
Best wishes to you and all your family,
Pete
I am a 42 year old divorced father of two and yes, I am gay! Proudly embracing that fact now. I am out to all of my friends and coworkers but not my children. I happend across this site and I am in desperate need of advice. My ex-wife knows I am gay and has done so for some time. She does not feel the kids need to know. I ,however, have always asked my kids to be completely honest with me in everything and I feel I need to tell them.
I have a 17 year old daughter and a son who is almost 14. I have an idea that they know by some things that are said and topics that are brought up in conversation, but I am not sure. I certainly do not want to cause any unnecessary emotional scars at this point. There mom and I have been seperated and divorced for almost 18 months.
For me, it is the last step in the coming out process that needs to be completed. I don’t know whether to wait until I have a partner or simply be honest and allow time to deal with it before finding a partner. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Micheal,
I don’t think you need to wait until you have a partner. My father told me at home because my mother thought it was best we knew. When my dad told my sister and I we saw the relief in is face. There are counselors (well at least here in Florida) that help with this. You could go and have a few sessions get an outside view. And maybe even bring your kids to the session when your ready to tell them.
One more thing. My father was seeing someone when he told us. He wanted us to meet him. But we were not ready yet. It will be much easier to gradually bring a partner into the picture later. I love my fathers and that will never change.
Thank you for chiming in and offering your advice Steven. I have yet to be introduced to a partner of my dad’s so I don’t personally know those feelings or that experience (yet). But I agree on telling kids before a partner comes into the picture and I think finding a therapist to help is also a fantastic idea. Thanks for speaking up.
Thanks Steve for your comments. I have felt that telling them before finding a partner is probably the best course of action. It is reassuring to hear from someone who received the information that my anxiety and fears are , hopefully, excessive. I have already been speaking with a therapist myself and may involve them in the process of talking with my children. Thank you for your time and honesty. It definitely helped.
Hi! I am the daughter of a gay father. My advice is that truth is always the best policy. My parents divorced when I was 7 and my little sister was 4. At the time they wanted to wait until we were 18 to tell us (fearing that at that age we didnt even have a concept of ‘normal’ sexuality, much less homosexuality. They also knew kids can be mean and didnt want us teased or ostracized.) The problem was that I had pretty much figured it out by the time I was 10…. my dad never had a girlfriend, all the contacts in his phone were men, he never remarried, he liked to go on tons of cruises, etc. However it took me nearly 2 1/2 YEARS to finally get up the courage to ask the question ‘is dad gay?’. I remember half the time feeling crazy (if my dad was gay how the heck did I get here? it didnt make sense). The other half of the time I kept thinking I had gotten it wrong and there must be something far more torrid going on. Since my parents were so secretive about the reasons for their divorce my mind tried to think of what would have caused the abrupt change. Was my dad a drug addict, a criminal, what was so bad and so secretive that no one would address it??!!? It was AWFUL wondering these things. Inside I was so confused.
I’m not gonna lie when I finally got up the courage the to ask my mom the question and I received an affirmative answer I did not take it well. I think part of the problem was that my dad had changed SO much since he left us. He shaved his arms, he tanned, he got in shape, he bleached his hair blond, and much to my dismay he started wearing a speedo to the local pool! So when I found out the reasons for the divorce I felt angry, to me it felt like “the gayness” had taken away my dad. He went from mowing the lawn in his old tennis shoes and doing other ‘manly’ things to this chipper, tanned, social butterfly. Him being gay rocked my world because it changed my mental construct of who my father was. It was very, very hard to accept; I felt like everything I had known about him was a lie….. had he ever really wanted kids? Did he still like fishing and tennis or had those things been a facade to look ‘normal’? Had he cheated on my mom with men when they were still married? And on and on. Who was this new person who called himself my dad?!
Having gone through this situation what I can tell you is that your kids probably already know (or suspect it deep down) and they probably struggle with 1)How to ask the question and 2)Do they even really want to know the answer? The mental anguish that goes with this is much worse than the discomfort of the truth. Because the truth WILL come out someday and you will have to deal with it then. Why not start dealing with it now so the healing can start sooner? I would absolutely NOT, NOT, NOT recommend waiting until you have a partner to tell them. Having a step-parent or even just having parents dating again is hard enough (my mom has since remarried, and I have come to love my step father dearly). Coming out to them will be a big enough change. Besides you wouldn’t want your kids to feel like your future partner is ‘responsible’ in some way for changing you or taking you away from them; it would only be breeding resentment of your partner. Your kids are old enough to understand this and deal with this now. It will be hard (it took me YEARS to come to terms with it and repair the relationship with my dad), but Im glad I know. Im 24 and an adult now and my dad has become one of my best friends. I am able to love him for who he is and the things we have been through together. Im proud of him and Im proud to be his daughter. And honestly now I think it’s pretty damned cool to have such a unique family. Sorry for the length of the post! Best of luck to you and your family.
-Gillian
Gilian!
Thank you for your long and well thought out comment. I really think it will not only help Michael but also other gay dads who might read it and want to know the experience of other kids. I really think your advice and experience could be useful for others to hear. Would you be opposed to us publishing this on our blog!? Let me know because as I said, I think you offer some great advice and insight. Thanks for sharing.
I would be honored/ thrilled for you to post it on your blog! I think this is an amazing cause and resource I wish I had had when this happened to my family
Gillian,
Thank you so much for your perspective. And, dont apologize for the length as it truly gave me a different viewpoint and has made me think about how to approach this with them. Somne of the questions you had in your mind that you wanted answers to had never crossed my mind. It will definitely help me prepare for questions that may come after the truth is told. My kids are my life and the only thing I fear is losing them through this. You have made it clear that it may not be a bed of roses but time can and will heal the wounds. I think, more than anything, that my responsibility as a father to them has to be foremost in my mind. Unlike your dad, i really have not changed much and do not plan to. I am comfortable with who I am and where I am. That is one reason I want them to see an example of being truthful and honest in everything, even though it may hurt for a time. I have always told them they have to be honest with me, no matter how bad it hurts. I have told them that I amay not be happy with what they tell me and it may hurt me, but, it would hurt me more for them to lie or even hide the truth. How can I expcet that of them when I am doing the same thing? Thanks for your heartfelt honesty, openness, and taking time to respond. You have been a great help.
Michael –
I have so much to say to you but looking through the comments of Gilian and Steven so much has already been said.
I agree that the sooner you can be honest with your kids the better but I also think it’s important to map out (and maybe even practice ahead of time) what you are going to say and how you want to say it. My dad’s sexuality was a shock, but in many ways so much made sense after I knew he was gay. The bigger issue, for me, was always the secrets and lies and never knowing if anything was true. I felt crazy and I still have trouble trusting that people are honest with me.
Anyway, if we can help you find a therapist please let me know. I would love to help. I know the people of Pflag (www.pflag.org) have also been incredibly helpful and supportive, not only for me but my dad too.
Thank you for reaching out to us. I hope we can help you …. and keep your chin up. It might get worse before it gets better but I am happy to do everything I can to help make it better. This is what The Gay Dad Project is for.
You have no idea how comforting this site is for this man! I have truly been amazed at the comments, honesty and pure frankness that I find. When you are in the midst of this, you feel alone and isolated and I definitely know that I am not. Tell everyone involved with The Gay Dad Project you have already touched this man’s life! Thank you!
What an amazing project! I’m the son of gay father. He’s been with his partner for 15 years. I am also gay. Even after my father was outed (1996ish) I stayed in the closet until 2008. I could have come out earlier but I wasnt ready. All I could remember seeing was the pain my mother went through. Their divorce was over the house, the money, alimony and at the the time child support for my youngest sister. I was depressed for years and treated for anxiety and depression. The medications made me feel “plastic”. But they made be feel happy. The medications made me not mentally deal with my homosexually. I knew I was, I said it in my mind all the time. I had no clue how to deal and process it. Was horrible. Some how I associated her pain with being gay. Not the emotional pain of loosing her husband of 25 years. I’m 34 now and I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. I’m truly happy now with my life. and in just the few years I’ve been out its amazing to see others with a gay fathers. And the strides the LGBT community has made.
Steven it sounds like you have a great story and congrats to you on finding your happiness.
I know it’s not always easy but I think it’s encouraging to hear how other people have survived. (Wish I could’ve heard this stuff when I was 16. 
)
Anyway, as I said to Gilian above … I think these stories and experiences are great. Would you be interested in sharing more of your story and experience on our blog? If so, please let me know.
And thanks for commenting here already.
I would love to share more. Just tell me where to post or what you have in mind.
i’m stunned how much i needed to learn of your god-inspired project.
thank you.
Glad you found us too John.
Hello, I found your website while searching for resources about having a gay parent. There aren’t too many resources out there and I am still continuing to look.
I found out last week that my mom was gay. I have an older sister who found out earlier in the year, but my mom didn’t want anyone to know which included me. I asked my sister point blank because my mom has been spending a lot of time with her female friend. My sister told me the truth and how she found out.
Since then, I’ve had a whirlwind of emotions. I first felt immediate shock followed by numbness and emptiness inside. As I am slowly come out of that state of numbness, I am filled with sadness and a feeling of loss. I also feel so alone, my sister lives out of state. Then I get mad at myself and feel guilty that I feel this way. I thought that I was an accepting person. I don’t know what to think or feel right now and I am still so very confused.
I feel lost. The last time I had such an array of emotions was when my father passed away over a decade ago. I don’t know where to go from here. Since I currently live at home, I decided to stay at a friend’s house until I could sort things out. I am not sure what to say to my mom or where do I/we go from here? Could you recommend any resources that might help me or suggestions?
I would greatly appreciate it.
Hey CJ –
First of all big hugs to you. It is not easy to find out that a parent is gay, but hopefully knowing that there are others out there like you is a little bit comforting – even when everything feels so chaotic.
Please send me a private email amie (at) gaydadproject (dot) org and I will be happy to share with you any resources I know in your area.
Take care and hope to hear from you soon!