It’s hard to know where to begin. I’ve been a heterosexual woman my entire life. I’ve always dated men and 14 years ago, married my husband, just like a virtuous woman should. In the last 14 years we’ve had five beautiful children and built a life together. We’ve done everything right according to my strict Christian upbringing and yet I’ve been so unhappy. I’ve been lost and alone in a family full of beautiful children and a husband whom I have cared for deeply and respected in my own way.
My best friend was in a similar boat. We spent hours sharing with one another, playing, seeing movies, sharing our lives. Somehow– in the midst of sharing our hearts, we fell in love. The hole in my heart– that should’ve been filled by my heterosexual relationship and children– was finally filled. My soulmate walked into my life and oh my God, she is a woman!
What followed that revelation has been a roller coaster. I haven’t “come out,” and I don’t consider myself a lesbian in the strictest sense. I am just a life-long heterosexual woman who fell in love with another woman. Prior to this point in my life, I never entertained thoughts of women, but now, I can’t imagine my life without THIS woman. I separated from my husband, and we share time equally with our children. He doesn’t know that I love her, he is a staunch Christian and believes wholeheartedly that homosexuality is a sin.
During a conversation we shared a year ago, he told me he would never allow his children to spend time with homosexuals. He doesn’t want ” that lifestyle” validated in any way, shape, or form. It is hell to live like this. I love someone, but cannot share that love with anyone who is important to me. My parents, sister, and friends all believe that as a Christian, you cannot be homosexual. I have struggled myself, but I believe God loves me as I am- after all- He made me!
Still, I’m at a loss as to where to go from here. I struggle daily wondering what is best. Follow my heart, or do what everyone expects of me? Live a full, but hard life honestly, or an empty life dishonestly? Do I allow myself to love someone with my whole heart, knowing I will lose many others in the process, or do I take the “easy” path and live my privileged life as a wife and mom and continue putting everyone else first while I suffer quietly? There is no easy answer.
So for now, my children and I live with my best friend. To the world, we are two close friends combining resources and support while we disentangle ourselves from our marriages. Behind closed doors, we are soulmates, the loves of each others’ lives, and a refuge from a complicated world. We are working to share with both her children, and mine, that God has made all people.
Our hope is that in time, our children will realize that a person’s worth isn’t based on color, shape, sexuality, or economic status. We are all worthy of love exactly as we are. I hope that someday soon, I’ll be able to share my heart with my children. I hope they will find friends and support in our community as they navigate life with a mom who loves another mom. I hope their father will learn to love and accept me, as I really am, instead of who he wanted me to be. I love my children more than I can say. I want them happy, healthy, and whole but I’ve realized that I have an example to set for them. I want them to see me happy, healthy and whole after all of these years of pretending. I owe them a REAL life, even if it isn’t the one society says I should live. I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, and Christian, and guess what? I love a woman.
One day the world will know me as I really am, but for now, I struggle in the dark. But I am not alone.